Heartache

I finally told Troy last night about the changes that are coming. He had been led to believe that our family would be putting the house up for sale so that we could move closer to my job. As a family. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by anything any more, but that one was shocking nonetheless. He looked at me with bright, cheery eyes and told me that we would be listing our house for sale and then moving to be closer to my work. I got a lump in my throat and told him the truth.

He seemed to grasp the reality of the situation immediately. His face started to sag, and he said "I want to stay together as a family and not get a divorce. I want to stay married. I'm trying to hold back the tears, but they are coming to my eyes and it's hard to stop them."

I was heartbroken. I told him that it's okay to cry. I told him that I had done everything I could to prevent a divorce, and that the decision wasn't mine to make. He told me he needed to go find his mother to tell her that this is a bad idea. He went off to find her, and I helped him. As soon as he told her what he thought, she tried to skirt the issue as best she could, but was unsuccessful. Yes, Troy, you get to go pick raspberries today. And yes, the neighbor boy invited you over to watch a TV show. And no, Daddy won't be living with you any more. That's just the way it is going to be, no matter how much better you and your sister deserve.

I did tell him that I will always be here for him and his sister, and that he can always come to talk to me about this. I told him that he can ask me whatever questions he has, he can express any fears or hurt feelings he has, and that I will always tell him the truth. He deserves to be told the truth, not to go on in a candy-coated, la-la land world of fiction and fabrications.

Recent happier times

Fathers and Sons, III

My dad, my son, and me (and my sister's dog)

---

And I said "Daddy, I'm so afraid

how will I go on with you gone that way?"

...And he said "That's my job; that's what I do.

Everything I do is because of you,

To keep you safe with me.

That's my job, you see."

-From another country song

Needless to say, this will be a much happier Father's Day than last year's was. It should be a great weekend, relatively speaking.

Delaney turns 2

Well I know one day I'll give you away,

And I'm gonna stand there and smile.

But when I get back home and I'm all alone,

Well I'll sit in your room for awhile.

...When tough little boys grow up to be dads,

They turn into BIG babies again.

-From a country song playing in my head right now

Finally!

Lee Friedlander, from Self-Portrait

I finally got to view a large number of Friedlander prints in person last weekend during a quick stop in San Francisco…and what a treat. My first stop was at the Fraenkel Gallery, on Geary Street. This gallery has published a good number of Friedlander’s most recent books, and is the home of “America By Car,” a series of photographs Friedlander has made with his Hasselblad Superwide from the insides of rented cars throughout the country. Friedlander continues to be as inventive and creative as ever, and there are a number of treats in this exhibit. One particular photograph that surprised me shows a view out of the passenger’s side door. It’s very bright outside relative to the inside of the car. But also visible in the picture is Friedlander’s face looking back at you in the side view mirror. And to make his face visible, he had mounted a flash to his camera and rotated it 180 degrees, so that it was pointing back inside the car, to illuminate himself. It was a very innovative picture. I was told by gallery staff that a book of this work would be available in about a year, and that Friedlander is still producing photographs for this series. I eagerly await its publication.

My next stop was right down the hall, at the Scott Nichols Gallery, to see some Brett Weston prints. I saw several of his signature works, including two from Oregon that I’ve long wished to see in person. They were nothing less than stunning. The blackest blacks, the creamy whites, and all tones in between were a real gift to see. I’m very thankful that these two shows were hanging simultaneously.

My final stop for print viewing was at the huge Friedlander retrospective at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. There are purported to be a few hundred prints on display, and I believe it. This show had prints from nearly every phase of Friedlander’s career on exhibit, including some very recent fashion photographs from 2006. I was somewhat taken aback by seeing Friedlander’s prints large. I had never seen them outside of his books, and his big Hasselblad pictures were surprising, but in a good way. My only regret after viewing this show was that there weren’t any photographs on display from his Apples and Olives book from 2005. That book seems to exhaust me every time I look at it. The pictures are just so complex, so enthralling, that I get tired when looking at it.

The man is a creative genius.

Inspired and motivated, I made a significant number of negatives of my own after seeing these shows. I made it from Embarcadero to Golden Gate Park, and most points in between, including Haight and Ashbury. It wasn't until after I was there that I realized I was in the Haight district on 4/20. Nice.

Cherry Blossom Time

Loveliest of trees, the cherry now

Is hung with bloom along the bough.

-A.E. Housman

The picture above is from Lee Friedlander’s wonderful book Cherry Blossom Time in Japan.

The cherry blossoms on the capitol mall in Salem are in full bloom right now, and the weather these past couple of days has been beautiful, so I’ve been out photographing them. In keeping with my recent self-portraiture theme, of course I’m careful to insert myself into these photographs, typically with my shadow falling somewhere in the frame. The whole mall was pink just a couple days ago, and now the trees have all gone white. The petals are continuously getting blown off the trees, so I think the explosion has peaked. But it has felt great to take just a couple of hours for myself to head out to photograph them while they last.

Eventually I’ll post some pictures here. I have no idea when I’ll do any printing again, as everything else in my life continues to be in a huge state of flux. Thankfully I’ve sought experiences like these with the cherry trees to keep me thinking clearly.

Fight For What's Right

Please note that the issue of my client moving to California with the children is non-negotiable. We are certain that given the circumstances of this case, that Judge [withheld] will have no problem allowing my client to move to California with the children.

-Excerpt from the letter notifying me that Anne intended to take a default judgment against me allowing the kids to be alone with me for no more than two weeks out of the year.

It didn't quite work out that way. As soon as I received this proposed judgment, it became abundantly clear to me that it was time for someone to start looking out for our children's interests. This was the mother of all wake-up calls. As Michael Jackson sang, "No message could have been any clearer." Troy loves that song.

The settlement terms are set now. The custody evaluator's recommended parenting plan will be put into place, and our kids will continue to benefit from their relationships with me and with my side of the family. And I will be in their lives to help them heal appropriately from the upcoming changes and subsequent pain. They deserve that. Actually they deserve better, but that's all I can do. But at least I'm doing all that I can and will continue to do so.

Because bluster and bullshit are no way to determine a child's future.

And besides, doesn't the picture above indicate that the kids are somewhat attached to their father? Maybe just a little?

Thinking of her

literature and opera are full of

characters who die for love:

i stay alive for her.

-From "No Longer a Teenager," by Gerald Locklin